A great writing friend sent me this article from The Toast. Hilarious. I suggest you click over to nod along to the list.
Here are the ones I appreciate most:
10. The Maddeningly Gentle Food Blogger With The Completely Unjustified Book Deal Whose Posts You Read Every Day
“This is so stupid,” you tell your best work friend over gchat. “Why does anyone read these posts? It’s just glossy pictures of icing and domesticity porn.” Your friend does not respond. “Do you want to get lunch,” you write. Still no response. Seven minutes later: “Most of her recipes are just stolen from somewhere else. They’re not even original.” Your friend’s status changes to Busy. An hour later, you will see her at the Panera Bread down the hill from your office park with two coworkers you don’t know.
7. The Unfunny Bro With The Unfunny Gimmick Book About Punching Mustaches Or Doing Something Stupid For A Year Whose Author Picture Is Smirking At The Reader As If To Say “Can You Believe It?” Which Is Really A Level Of Self-Awareness You Have Not Earned, Pal
Something about kicking robots, or which president had the most balls, or whatever. You reflexively sneer whenever you see it in a bookstore’s window display, which is often. It’s selling really well.
6. Oh Come Right The Fuck On, Nobody Read That
It was dystopian, or something? But not YA. Nobody read it. You refuse to believe anyone actually read it. It was so weird. It was unbelievably short. “A slim novel,” the reviews said. “A slim novel of surprising”…deftness or something. Slim novels are always deft, and powerful, like Joss Whedon heroines.
2. The Writer of the “Unflinching” Debut
400 pages about an unrelenting total fucking bummer. Oh, the drug addictions. Oh, the horrible, grinding poverty as a four-year-old child soldier of fortune/undersea mine welder/burn victim. Oh, the meaningless and tawdry and horrifying sex. No one makes eye contact. Everyone attends horrifically tense dinner parties and throw their lovers out of ninth-story walkups. You wish it would flinch, even just once.
>>See all 10 of the writers you’ll resent
terribly amusing, and terribly true.