The writer’s plight

One of my best friends sent me this screenshot the other day and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. It’s not that I have writer’s block (I don’t really believe in “writer’s block”–a post on this coming soon); it’s that I have so many ideas and there just aren’t enough hours in the day (especially with a full-time job and a toddler and a commute on Southern California freeways). As they say, my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I wake up each morning with a mental list of so many things I want to accomplish, and I go to bed every night with a little bit of a sense of failure. I know, I know–I need to talk to my therapist about this.

My friend asked me, “Would you have it any other way though?” And the truth is… no. I like being excited by so many ideas. I like that my biggest problem right now is managing my own enthusiasms. I have so many projects in mind. Since becoming a mom, my ambitions have tripled, which is weird… You would think that having a little person would make me want to pump the brakes. But I think having her has motivated me more. Being a mom has given me a ton of confidence. I’ve realized I am stronger than I thought; I can juggle more than I thought. And I have more and more things to say. 

My fourth novel, All the Acorns on the Forest Floor, comes out in September, and I have a nonfiction book coming out in 2021 (my first nonfiction book–more details coming soon). I have a list of essays I want to write, a children’s book idea, a young adult book idea, a screenplay idea. SO MANY THINGS. As much as this excites me, it also torments me because there’s no physical way I can do it all. That’s why I relate to what Zadie Smith says about “the never satisfied.” Even when I’m happily working on one thing, I’m always kind of grieving the idea that isn’t getting my attention. I KNOW, therapy, stat. I need to work on being in the moment. I need to meditate…or something.

I’m not quite sure how to reconcile any of this, but Zadie Smith’s words made me feel less like a weirdo. You might be reading this and thinking that Zadie Smith and I are both weirdos, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being in any category with Zadie Smith.