So, I have an agent.

Let me explain why this is pretty awesome.

In my mind, there are 4 big steps for a writer who wants to publish a book with a big publishing house:

STEP 1: Write the f-ing book. This involves about a billion sub-steps, which I shudder to think about, let alone list.

STEP 2: Get an agent. Again, this involves lots of steps in itself. There are query letters involved, in which the writer does her best to brag a little and sell the story based on a 1-2 line synopsis. Typically, there are lots of rejection letters in response, enough to wallpaper a living room.

When people ask me why an agent is necessary, I compare it to why a real estate agent is necessary when selling a house. Literary agents know the biz. They have connections and relationships at big publishing houses. They can help writers get the best deal, the best editor, the best marketing. Of course, it’s totally possible for writers to self-publish, but it’s tough to get a paycheck or a big audience that way. There are success stories out there though!

STEP 3: Sell the book to a publisher. The agent does this while the writer sits back drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and talking to cats and whatever else people think writers do.

STEP 4: Publish the damn thing. Each publishing house has editors who help shape the book into what it will be when you see it at Barnes & Noble (or, preferably, your local ma-and-pa bookstore. I am starting to realize that Amazon.com is evil). There are lots of revisions for the writer at this stage, usually.

Note: Some writers are under the impression that there is a step 5 that entails getting rich and gaining fame on a book tour. I am not under the illusion that this step exists. Unless you’re J.K. Rowling.

So, now I have successfully completed steps 1 and 2.

Granted, I have been here before. I have written several books over the past several years. And in the last decade, I have had 2 agents. I met my first agent at a party. I think she was drunk. That’s the only way to explain why she agreed to sign me on the spot, based on me drunkenly explaining my book’s story. This all actually happened. By the time she read the thing, she was not so enthusiastic. I met my second agent at a forum hosted by my grad school program. She read my book (a different book than the first agent read) and was very enthusiastic–a good sign. Then she promptly fell off the face of the earth and, to this day, I’m not sure if she ever did an hour of work on my behalf. I Googled the shit out of her and found that many writers had the same experience with her. I would say it was a scam, except that I never paid her a dime (which no writer should. Agents are paid on commission when they sell a book. If someone asks you to pay something before then, they are shady).

Given these past disappointments, I was dragging my feet on sending out my latest book. I worked on revisions for months. Then I reached the point when I really didn’t have anything left to revise. It was as good as it was going to be. And, frankly, I was sick of reading the thing.

Over the years, through my past submissions, I’ve developed a list of “agents who rejected me, but were really nice about it.” When I decided it was time to send my book out into the world, I consulted that list. I figured I’d go one at a time, starting with the person who was the nicest. Seriously, people, this is how it went.

I emailed her saying, “you probably don’t remember me, but…” (because, really, I’m 100% sure she didn’t remember me at all), and included a synopsis, a bit about me, and the first 5 pages of my book (all pasted in the body of the email). The next day, she wrote back and said she loved what I sent and wanted to read the whole thing. I believe my reaction was something like, “Holy shit balls!” I sent it off to her.

A week later, she emailed again. I stared at her email in my inbox for, like, an hour before I decided to open it. I was pretty sure it was going to say some variation of, “The writing is really good, but this just isn’t for me.” Instead, it said that she loved it and wanted to talk to me ASAP. Again, I believe my reaction was, “Holy shit balls!”

I talked to her last week. It was surreal to hear her gushing about my story, my characters. She said, and I quote, “This is the type of book every agent wants.” She said she assumed I was in talks with other agents and I told her, “Frankly, I’m not. You were first on my list.” She sent me a contract, I read through it. It was standard. If you’re wondering, 15% commission is what to expect from an agency contract, and it’s best if there’s no time requirement on the contract (my first 2 agents had 2-year contracts, which were like prison sentences for me; this one did not have that requirement).

So, I have an agent.

And she says my book will go to publishing houses as soon as TODAY.

You know what I think about that? HOLY SHIT BALLS.