How to be a writer’s friend (or lover)

A writer friend of mine said to me recently, “I gave a story I’m working on to my boyfriend for his opinion and he just said, ‘It’s interesting.’ Nothing else. That’s it.” She was fuming.

Please note: This boyfriend is relatively new on the scene. He has no idea how he’s “supposed” to respond, bless his heart. I explained to her that when a writer gives a loved one a story or poem or novel excerpt, asking for feedback, it’s like extending an invitation to step on a landmine. Writers are, inherently, extremely sensitive. Often, if something makes it down on paper, it’s because it’s very important to us, on some emotional level. And if something makes it from our hands to yours, you should consider yourself lucky, but you should also be terrified.

The day after I talked to my friend, she sent me a link to Shannon Hale’s blog, saying it had some good words of wisdom for those of us seeking to share writing with someone we love (and want to continue loving).

Here are her 5 tips:

1. Read it right away.
A manuscript sitting untouched on your side table for a month tells your loved one you don’t care. If you can’t read it right away, communicate that. Let her know when you’ll be able to start and when you expect to finish.

2. Always say something positive.
Being observed by the writer while reading can be an uncomfortable experience. Still, if it’s a novel, you can expect the writer to check in with you occasionally. “So, have you started? What do you think so far?” Always say something positive. Save any critical feedback for later, after you’ve read it all and sorted your thoughts. Otherwise, it’ll seem you’re just so anxious to point out faults you can’t wait. This is not only discouraging to the writer, but unhelpful.

3. Praise, praise praise.
After you’ve finished, sit down with your loved one and immediately and profusely praise the story. I know you want to get to what needs to change, but if you can’t see something worthwhile in it, the writer won’t be as responsive to the feedback. Hearing what worked is as important to the writer as what didn’t. Be specific, and sincere, in your praise. Think of ten separate things you liked and thought worked well.

Good examples:
“The opening was gripping.”
“I was really interested in Character X.”
“All the dialog between X and Y was so realistic.”

Bad examples:
“I really liked it, except for the middle part and the ending.”
“It wasn’t very hard to read.” Lame.
“You’re pretty good at punctuation.”

4. Offer constructive feedback.
After specifically and sincerely praising at least ten things, offer some constructive feedback. Limit yourself to 3 things. 3 specific things. Try to be as clear and concise as possible. No need to hammer it in. If you are not a professional editor, it’s best not to take the Voice of Authority here. Offer the suggestions in terms of what questions and confusions you had as a reader.

Good examples:
“I didn’t understand why X had to steal the magic dagger when she already had the magic sword.”
“I loved Y! I wouldn’t mind seeing more of him, especially in the second half.”
“X seemed to lie a lot, and that made me suspicious of her and made it hard for me to like her.”
“The part where they all turned into goatlings was confusing to me. I kept expecting them to get milked, because of the whole cheese theme, but when they didn’t I realized I must have missed something.”

Bad examples:
“It didn’t make sense. You should redo it all.”
“This part was really boring. Cut all of it.”

5. Honor the relationship, first and foremost.
Unless you’ve earned an all-access pass to criticism, don’t offer any more information or feedback unless asked (pressed!) to do so. She might not be able to absorb any more than those 3 things, and the more “feedback” you offer, the more criticism she’ll hear. Unrequested advice will always sound like criticism.

Remember, you not only want to be helpful to the writer but preserve your relationship. Spouses may find themselves couch-sleeping after being too helpful with the feedback. Let workshop companions and editors be the bad guy. You’re the loved one. You should be very cautious, my friend. Writers are sensitive little creatures.

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To the list above, I would add one important thing:

**ASK QUESTIONS!**
I really appreciate when readers ask me questions about what I write — how I developed the characters, why the story came to me, etc. It shows they care and are interested in not only the story, but in me, as a person.