Why I can’t be “a writer”

Earlier this week, I saw this post on McSweeney’s: “27 Reasons Why I Can Never Be a Writer” by Michelle Webster-Hein. It’s hilarious. I highly recommend you click over (and then come back here because I’ll miss you).

Her list inspired me to write my own. I am a fiction writer, for better or worse, but here are my 27 reasons why I might be in the wrong line of work.

1. I don’t like coffee shops.
2. I don’t even like coffee.
3. I have never taken hallucinogenics.
4. I like financial security.
5. I have 20/20 vision.
6. I don’t have any strange piercings or tattoos.
7. I displayed an extreme lack of creativity in naming my cat “Little Kitty.”
8. In a fire, if I had to grab one item, it would be my retainers.
9. I thought Tenth of December was really weird.
10. I have brain space dedicated to knowing the names of Gwyneth Paltrow’s children.
11. I used Cliff’s Notes all throughout high school.
12. I’ve never smoked a cigarette.
13. I have no issues with my parents.
14. I have no real issues, period.
15. There were some years when I was depressed, but I’m not anymore.
16. I’m boring.
17. I haven’t had any interesting experiences in third world countries.
18. Except… no… wait, that was in Spain.
19. I did way better on the math part of the SAT than I did on the reading.
20. I get buzzed on one glass of wine.
21. When I get really excited about something, I shadowbox (ask my husband).
22. Nobody has ever said, “You’re such a trip” to me.
23. I have no interest in reading Anna Karenina.
24. If you asked me my favorite 19th century writer, I’d have to Google “19th century writers.”
25. I don’t own any shoes like these.
26. I keep up with the Kardashians.
27. I’m afraid of Virginia Woolf.

There are certain “writer” stereotypes that do pertain to me. I like cats. And cardigans. And tea. And Bob Dylan. And candlelight. And rain pelting windows. But, yeah, I’m not an emo hipster with a quill pen, that’s for sure. That’s fine with me.

don't be a writer




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